I don't know.

This song is exactly how I feel almost every single day. This song is about someone who has had a past love and they want them to love them back, but they don't at the same time. The lyrics are conflicting with each other.

I'm pretty sure nobody reads this, so I am pretty open about writing my true feelings on here. Maybe it will count as some sort of therapy. Maybe.

This song speaks to me, a lot. People say you can't fall in love when you are a teenager, but I really think I did. People say it was just puppy love, but it wasn't, well not for me at least. I fell for it. Randy(names changed) new I loved him too. He knew that I would do anything for him. And I was pretty sure that he would do the same thing for me. He made me feel special, original, loved. And I loved the thought of having him around. He was always on the other side of the phone or a couple miles away. I really do think that he was my first love. I know, I was only fifteen, but does that really mean that you can't have the same feelings for someone that a 30 year old gets? No, not at all. He held my hand, gave me those butterflies. But eventually, those butterflies flew away, and something took their place. And even right now, I'm not sure what took their place. I think Randy was addicted to drama. There was constant chaos, and I was always "the one to start it." He was controlling, and told me not to talk to certain people. I became anti-social. I lost respect for myself and gave Randy all of it. I thought he was the only one who understood me, who truly loved me. He used me, but not in a sexual way, even though he was a super touchy person, and eventually stole away my first kiss. But more in an emotional way. I'm pretty sure he had low self-esteem. And he needed a girl on his side to feel important. He lied to me, telling me different things about his past, that were a lie, and since I cared for him so much, I believed him. He turned my whole world upside down. I think my whole out-look of love, and respect changed. I would tell him that something he said hurt me or something like that, and he would say that I was too sensitive, and it shouldn't hurt me. Eventually, I thought that was how love was supposed to be. We had our little fights, little stupid drama things that shouldn't have been fought over, but like I said, he was a little bit of a drama queen. And when I would tell him that, he would say that I was blowing things way up, and I was the one that was exaggerating. He made me feel like crap, I hated myself, I hated everything about my friends, I felt as if my family wasn't letting me be with Randy as much as they should, I wasn't myself. I was emotionally and verbally abused by Randy. Now I don't know if Randy knows he has done this too me, and I don't know if I want him to know. I felt, and still do feel, angry, hurt, abused, betrayed, and deserving. I felt as if I deserve what he was doing to me, mentally. Maybe if he was doing it to me it wouldn't be as bad because I loved him, and he wouldn't be doing it to someone else. I thought that I could make him stop his ways, and help him realize that everything was going to be okay, but I was in fact, the one changing because of him. I was doing the exact same thing to myself, that he was doing to me. And that sucked. One fight ended up in us being friends, and that lasted for a month or so, which was good, and I was okay with it. Until he told me about liking another girl. And that is just when I couldn't take in any longer. I was in love with him, and he was liking a different girl. I now know, that he was just saying that to mess with my head, and it did, a lot. Finally, we stopped talking.

Then, school started.

Now, in high school, we go to the same school.

I see him everyday in the hall.

I can't explain it, but I still have feelings for him. And just like the song, I want him to feel the same way about me. But when I am thinking that, my mind sort of glazes over the hard times, and I just see the great times.

Then, in random moments in my life I will think about what I did wrong, and how he treated me. And that makes me cry and hate him.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I should talk to him.

I don't know if I should hug him.

I don't know if I should ignore him.

I don't know if I should punch him.

I don't know if I should cry to him.

I don't know if I should befriend him.

I don't know if I should start a hate club about him.

I don't know if I should clear my mind of him.

And I don't know if can do any of those things.

He warped my whole world, and how I view it.

I try to like guys, but it doesn't work. Even if they guy likes me back.

Even if he is my perfect guy, there is always Randy living in the back of my mind.

I don't know what to do.

Randy, I see you in the halls and it kills me inside. I don't know what I am going to do when I see you holding hands with another girl. I don't know what I am going to do if you tell me you want me back. I don't know if I will hate you or love you at that moment. Randy, I am not bipolar, even though you think I am. I just and confused on my feelings towards you, not bipolar. You ruined a small part of my life. Thank goodness it was only small. Randy, I hope I wasn't mean to you, I hope I was the bestest friend that you could ever have. Because, Randy, you were mine. But you were also the worst friend anyone could ever had. I don't know how long it is going to take to get over you, but I know that I am going to do it. I know that you want to control me and my life, and you have been doing that, but not anymore. I don't know what the future will bring me, but I know, it won't bring you.