realizing.

This week has been full of realization. Which is a good thing, mostly.

I realized people will talk about people behind their backs. Even if they are standing right there.
I realized parents can be too strict or not strict enough.
I realized that curiosity doesn't always kill the cat, sometimes it gives the cat some warm delicious milk.
I realized the present is a present.
I realized that doing something over and over isn't going to change the outcome.
I realized people will always be difficult.
I realized it will never hurt to ask for help.
I realized if you try to hard to impress other people, you will lose yourself.
I realized people can't make you do anything, yes they can trick you into doing something, but you are the one that fell for it.
I realized bad things do happen to good people, thus, good things happen to bad people.
I realized people deserve a second chance, but maybe not a fourth or seventh.
I realized there are always going to be people out there who are selfish and want to hurt you.

I guess realizing things are good. Unless they change how you look towards things or people. I don't want how I look at a person to change just because I realize something. Change can be good. Keyword: CAN. Change isn't amazing. I have this quote by my bed, so here it is:

"There is a tendency to think of change as the enemy. Many of us are suspect of change and will often fight and resist it before we have even discovered what the actuall effects will be. When change is thought through carefully, it can produce the most rewarding and profound experiences in life" - Marvin J. Ashton.

So if we accept change, it will be great. But if you are a stick in the mud when it comes to change, like myself, you won't really like realizing things.

Slow down.

I need a pause button.
A giant, red, flashy, exceptional, super, historic, superior, prominent, striking, lasting, button.
This pause button will fix everything.
It will help me sort through things.
I can't wait for this button to show up in my life.


One thing I hope that I do in my teens is be respectful. Towards everyone. I hope I never show people the least bit of disrespect. I hope I never make the mistake of treating someone how I wouldn't want to be treated. I want to be able to make someone's day, not break it. I want to compliment people everyday. I never want to think less of someone. Everyone is a child of God. I don't want to judge them because of their actions. I want my smile to make people feel good.

cuarto.

I am sitting here in my room. And I figured I could write about the things in my room that I love.

Gus (aka my laptop). I don't know what I would do without it. It saves me from the fiery depths of barbie.com and nickjr.com which have corrupted our family computer. Instead Gus, is just Gus, no Barbies orBackyardigans. Gus likes facebook, my blog, hulu, youtube, sparknotes, and lone peak. Nothing big, nothing flashy, just Gus.

SmartWater. Simply put, I love SmartWater.

Kindle. I love reading, and I always have. And this little wondrous thing called the Kindle helps me buy books, read books, and buy more books. Fast. I'm sooo close to finishing one of my books on there. In fact, that is what I will do after I'm done writing this nonsense.

Grandma Earrings. Did you know that earrings is spelled with two R's? I had no clue. I guess that goes to show highlights really do affect your brain. I sure do love my earrings. I wear a different pair all the time. What do I do when I get home from school? Change into a different pair of earrings. Are you planning on getting me a present? Get me grandma earrings. They should be studs, big, and either white, pink, pearl, or black. Thanks. (:

Shamu. First off, Shamu is a boy. I know that at SeaWorld Shamu is a girl, but at the Farr's house, Shamu is a boy. He is my baby boy. I've had him since I was six, and sleep with him every night, other than when I'm gone. I know that is childish to sleep with a stuffed animal, but guess what, Shamu is not a stuffed animal. One of his fins is falling off, his stomach isn't white anymore, and his eyes have seen better days. (Literally) Shamu is awesome. You don't think so? Than you can come and talk to him. Ps. He is a killer whale.

Bathsheba. Actually, I hate Bathsheba. He is a stupid fish that doesn't swim. All he does is sit there, eats, and pees and poops in his water. Stupid fish. The reason Bathseba is in this list is because I love my friends that are also owners of Bathsheba. Franny and Asian. (:

Well. I'm tired. And this post is pointless, I just don't want to go to bed, which defeats the comment of "I'm tired". But whatever. I'm going to bed. (:

midnight.

In 20 minutes it will be midnight.
One thing I don't really understand about midnight is the significance it has.
I understand that it is the start of a new day, new hour, new minute. ect. ect.
But why do we strive for it?
Why do we want to stay up til midnight.
Talk till midnight.
Eat at midnight.
Look at the stars at midnight.
Drive at midnight.
See a midnight movie showing.

Why don't we stay up til one?
Talk till one?
Eat at one?
Look ate the stars at one?
Drive at one?
See a..... oh.
That one got me. You can't see a midnight showing at one.
I guess I just answered my question.

Midnight is just fun. It's nothing deeper than that.

This weekend was weird. So weird.
Friday. Went to school and took a test. My teachers picked on me.
But what's new?
Mr. Revelli.
Oh Mr. Revelli, why do you think I am so stupid?
Yes, I do have blond hair. But why in the heck does that make you think that I can't answer some of your pointless questions about medical science. It's not like I'm planning on going into medical science. Heck, I cry at the sight of a needle. Maybe, the reason I didn't know the answer to your question was because, a) I was thinking on a much deeper level than why doctors need to be careful when they are talking to a woman from India rather than a woman from England.
b) I couldn't care less. c) You are the most boring teacher in the history of Lone Peak, teaching the most boring class in the history of Lone Peak. Or d) I was daydreaming about Jeff (name changed).
Right after school I had the pleasure of going to a knee surgeon. I hate surgeons.
Surgeons mean surgery. Surgery means needles. And needles mean a freaked out Sam.
I got the "oh so wonderful" cortisone shot while I was there.
Cortisone, from my understanding, is a type of steroid that is naturally produced in some gland somewhere in your body. If you have it injected it will reduce inflammation. And something in my knee is swelling. And that is about all I understood from the doctor.
As soon as I found out I was getting this injection, I cried. I really do think that shots will be the death of me. I started breathing hard, and I thought I was going to faint.
After what seemed like hours I walked out of the doctor's office with a knee full of steroids.
I went to an amazing basketball game that night.
I swear I missed half of it, just waiting for a delicious Roxberry smoothie.
The part of the game that I did see was great.
I saw my friends from AF, including one who did not have such a good game earlier that day.
But I (midnight. (: ) know that he will buck up and have another great season next year.
I saw Jeff.
And when I did my heart sort of fluttered a little inside.
Stupid heart.

Saturday is a special day, it's a day we get ready for Sunday.
For mutual, we went sledding.
And may I say, I was the only laurel there.
LAURELS REPRESENT! not.
How pathetic is that? very.
I couldn't go sledding because of my darn knee full of crap.
but. I did have a blast with one of my best friends. (hmm what should I name her?)
Franny. (:
I tripped Franny and pushed her into the snow. But oh did karma come and bite me in the butt.
Where we went sledding there is a caretaker, and this caretaker has a dog. And this dog is the devil.
I swear it was a horse.
While running to the lodge, I looked back, wondering where Franny was, only to see this horse/devil/dog thing chasing me. I screamed. Out of no where it knocked my feet out from underneath me and started to eat my face. Actually, I'm exaggerating. It really did knock me down, but then came and licked and jumped on me. The worse part was the smell. Imagine a shriveled hobo, dipped in rancid ranch dressing times ten.
After that I went to a stake dance.
Of course I took a shower before. I'm not stupid.
The dance was strange, yet fun.
I thought I was going to die.
But later in the night I learned that it was just a miscommunication, and everything was okay. (:
It wasn't just okay. It was amazing.
Jeff gave me his glow stick to put in my flower holder in my car.
It is going to stay there forever. (:

connections.

Right now, at this very moment, I am eating a sugar free dark chocolate dove.
I have mixed feelings about this dove. I love dark chocolate, and everything about it makes me giddy. I think dark chocolate is a gift sent from above. Right after you are finished with the piece of heaven you want more, so you shove your face full of these cute little pieces until you are sick. If you wait a couple minutes the after taste is foul. You feel fat, because you just ate eight of those little 100 calorie pieces, so you feel bad about yourself, and the after taste is nasty. But you don't learn your lesson. You keep on trying to see if maybe, one time, you won't feel like crap afterwords. But I've learned that you always feel like crap afterwords. There may be a solution, just eat one chocolate, but after seeing all of the other little pieces you want more. You aren't happy with just a part of the bag. You want it all. The dove pieces will never change for you, because they don't have the same feelings that you do. They don't care about you, they are just chocolate, and nothing will ever change. And it sucks.

Anyone see a connection between chocolate and a previous post?
I do.
Read it again, replace some words. BADA BING!
You have exactly how I feel in this moment.

adventure is out there.

Today, is Valentines day.
I woke up today, thinking: wow, it's Valentines day! I'll wear pink and be festive!
But boy, was that a mistake.
I don't want to sound cliche, but I realized that I absolutely hate Valentines day.
It sort of made me want to punch someone.
It made me want someone to give me flowers and make me feel giddy.
But is there anyone like that in my life right now?
No.
Right now, friendships are more important to me than relationships.
First off, I'm sixteen and I don't need a relationship.
Second, I'm absolutely in love with Justin Beiber, and Marcus Mumford(Mumford and Sons).
Third, my previous..um, things, have changed my mind about the whole relationship thing.
Lastly, there is this kid, but we are friends, and I want to stay friends, but I also want to stop wondering if he likes me or not. Because, to tell you the truth, I have the biggest crush on him, and he is a great person, and I like having him as a friend.

Today, I got in my mini van, ready for an adventure. But then I realized I was in a mini van, and the only adventures you get in a mini van is when you fight with your siblings and you end up winning, and when you get to watch your favorite movie. Or when your little sister spills water all over herself, and you almost pee yourself laughing. But except for those few rare moments, driving a mini van isn't that great. In fact, it is almost terrible. I mean, IT'S A MINI VAN! Mini vans are for moms. Not for blond sixteen year old. So instantly, I was sad, because that adventure that I wanted so badly, couldn't be fulfilled.
But guess what.
I'm getting a cute VW Bug.
And I'm going to name it either
Darla, or Patsy.
I'm not sure.
I'm getting it on Thursday, and I can not wait!
It is so cute.
I had to go and run a few errands today, which included, going to Dippide and buying a mini cake, and going to Target.
I love Target, so much. They have the best grandma earring EVER. And if you know me well enough, you know that I love grandma earrings. So I was just supposed to buy some sandwich baggies, but I got grandma earrings too.
Thank goodness for grandma earrings. (:

I don't know.

This song is exactly how I feel almost every single day. This song is about someone who has had a past love and they want them to love them back, but they don't at the same time. The lyrics are conflicting with each other.

I'm pretty sure nobody reads this, so I am pretty open about writing my true feelings on here. Maybe it will count as some sort of therapy. Maybe.

This song speaks to me, a lot. People say you can't fall in love when you are a teenager, but I really think I did. People say it was just puppy love, but it wasn't, well not for me at least. I fell for it. Randy(names changed) new I loved him too. He knew that I would do anything for him. And I was pretty sure that he would do the same thing for me. He made me feel special, original, loved. And I loved the thought of having him around. He was always on the other side of the phone or a couple miles away. I really do think that he was my first love. I know, I was only fifteen, but does that really mean that you can't have the same feelings for someone that a 30 year old gets? No, not at all. He held my hand, gave me those butterflies. But eventually, those butterflies flew away, and something took their place. And even right now, I'm not sure what took their place. I think Randy was addicted to drama. There was constant chaos, and I was always "the one to start it." He was controlling, and told me not to talk to certain people. I became anti-social. I lost respect for myself and gave Randy all of it. I thought he was the only one who understood me, who truly loved me. He used me, but not in a sexual way, even though he was a super touchy person, and eventually stole away my first kiss. But more in an emotional way. I'm pretty sure he had low self-esteem. And he needed a girl on his side to feel important. He lied to me, telling me different things about his past, that were a lie, and since I cared for him so much, I believed him. He turned my whole world upside down. I think my whole out-look of love, and respect changed. I would tell him that something he said hurt me or something like that, and he would say that I was too sensitive, and it shouldn't hurt me. Eventually, I thought that was how love was supposed to be. We had our little fights, little stupid drama things that shouldn't have been fought over, but like I said, he was a little bit of a drama queen. And when I would tell him that, he would say that I was blowing things way up, and I was the one that was exaggerating. He made me feel like crap, I hated myself, I hated everything about my friends, I felt as if my family wasn't letting me be with Randy as much as they should, I wasn't myself. I was emotionally and verbally abused by Randy. Now I don't know if Randy knows he has done this too me, and I don't know if I want him to know. I felt, and still do feel, angry, hurt, abused, betrayed, and deserving. I felt as if I deserve what he was doing to me, mentally. Maybe if he was doing it to me it wouldn't be as bad because I loved him, and he wouldn't be doing it to someone else. I thought that I could make him stop his ways, and help him realize that everything was going to be okay, but I was in fact, the one changing because of him. I was doing the exact same thing to myself, that he was doing to me. And that sucked. One fight ended up in us being friends, and that lasted for a month or so, which was good, and I was okay with it. Until he told me about liking another girl. And that is just when I couldn't take in any longer. I was in love with him, and he was liking a different girl. I now know, that he was just saying that to mess with my head, and it did, a lot. Finally, we stopped talking.

Then, school started.

Now, in high school, we go to the same school.

I see him everyday in the hall.

I can't explain it, but I still have feelings for him. And just like the song, I want him to feel the same way about me. But when I am thinking that, my mind sort of glazes over the hard times, and I just see the great times.

Then, in random moments in my life I will think about what I did wrong, and how he treated me. And that makes me cry and hate him.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I should talk to him.

I don't know if I should hug him.

I don't know if I should ignore him.

I don't know if I should punch him.

I don't know if I should cry to him.

I don't know if I should befriend him.

I don't know if I should start a hate club about him.

I don't know if I should clear my mind of him.

And I don't know if can do any of those things.

He warped my whole world, and how I view it.

I try to like guys, but it doesn't work. Even if they guy likes me back.

Even if he is my perfect guy, there is always Randy living in the back of my mind.

I don't know what to do.

Randy, I see you in the halls and it kills me inside. I don't know what I am going to do when I see you holding hands with another girl. I don't know what I am going to do if you tell me you want me back. I don't know if I will hate you or love you at that moment. Randy, I am not bipolar, even though you think I am. I just and confused on my feelings towards you, not bipolar. You ruined a small part of my life. Thank goodness it was only small. Randy, I hope I wasn't mean to you, I hope I was the bestest friend that you could ever have. Because, Randy, you were mine. But you were also the worst friend anyone could ever had. I don't know how long it is going to take to get over you, but I know that I am going to do it. I know that you want to control me and my life, and you have been doing that, but not anymore. I don't know what the future will bring me, but I know, it won't bring you.